In my Drama class we are doing a showcase, which is a student written piece. I did the final writings and edits for the script so I’m putting it up here.
(Setting is a classroom with many desks and the teacher at the front. Coach Rigamortis is about to start his “Rotology” class. Ned is an odd, intelligent, and well-intentioned zombie who is best friends with a fairly lackluster human named Kate. Enter Ned and Kate.)
Coach Rigamortus - Settle down class. Settle, settle. Settle... Settle! I SAID SETTLE, DAMMIT. (Body locks up and he/she sits down abruptly.) I shall now call roll.
Coach - Chanel?
Chanel - Um, present!
Coach - Stacey?
Stacy - I'm obviously here.
Coach - Brock.
Brock - Yo.
Coach - Amanda?
Amanda - Whatever Chanel said!
Coach - Paula.
Paula - ROLLS? LIKE CHICAGO ROLLS?
Coach - …other jocks...
Other Jocks - Here, yep, you’re stupid hahaha, etc.
Coach - Ned?
Ned - Present and accounted for!
Coach - Aaaand, I think that’s it.
(Kate makes a really loud coughing noise.)
Coach - Oh... (Reluctantly) Kate?
Kate - I’m here, actually.
Chanel - Uh, puh-lease! Nobody cares about you, meat!
Coach - Welcome to class! Today we will be learning about movement of animals and zombies. Could I have a volunteer, please? Anyone?
Burt - Hrrrrrrng!
Coach - Okay... I’ll take that as a yes. Get over here Burt. As you can see... (Rips off Burt’s toe.) The pinkie toe is very important for balance and movement!
(Burt falls over and groans.)
Biff - Ha, Burt, you’re so stupid! I bet if even if a human walked right into this classroom you wouldn’t be able to tell! You’re so stupid your mummy thought you were a pigeon!
Brock - That doesn’t make sense but it’s FUNNY!
(Whole class laughs at Burt.)
Coach Rigamortus - (Sigh.) That's enough! You unworthy kids, you don't deserve death as good as this. Back in my day if we didn’t behave the teacher made us go sit outside with the colorful flowers and lively birds! (Shudders.) Now be quiet, I'm handing back your projects now. (Walks down the aisles, and body tenses up. He/she falls over, can't get up.)
Coach Rigamortus - Help me! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
(Students ignore Coach Rig, and collect paper from around his/her tense body. Ignoring him/her and leaving them on the floor. Ned gets his project back.)
Ned - I can't believe I only got a 110% on my calculus and rocket science project. I was really hoping for a better score. You know Kate, I'm slacking off, I need to get my act together. Thank goodness you're here to motivate me and keep me on track with my studies!
(Focus on Chanel, the hot, popular head cheerleader with her posse, Stacy, Amanda, and Paula. She is very ugly, but in zombie world she is breathtaking. Ned is immediately smitten.)
Chanel - ...so then I said, you're the fugliest girl I've ever seen and that you look like a human and she walked away crying. Hahaha so perfect right? Ah haha I crack myself up.... I should really get a manicure.
Amanda - Oh Chanel, you are just too funny! You make me laugh all the time! I love you. Your so hot. Can we go see a movie sometime?
Stacy - You’re right Chanel, humans suck. Except when they're covered in barbecue sauce.
Paula - DON’T YOU TAUNT ME LIKE THAT! …eh, I don't know, humans are kind of delicious. I rather enjoy them.
Amanda - How do you eat so much and, like, never gain weight?
Paula - I don’t know, just a gift I guess! (Turns around and has huge butt.)
(Ned looks up and spots Chanel)
Ned - Seriously Kate, I'm glad you keep me focused on .... OH MY GOSH. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. (Ned begins drooling and starts pretending to kiss Chanel, rather vigorously.)
Kate - Ned, what the hell are you even doing? Hey, Ned! I’m glad to keep you grounded and all, I’m flattered, really, but I was going to ask for your help. I’m not doing so well in this class, and if I don’t pass I’ll fail this grade which means I’m going to become that guy at the pizza place who creeps on the people ordering there. I don’t want that so I need you to... ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
Ned- Oh, um, uh, yeah, Tuesday works.
(Chanel does the JBiebs hair flip oblivious to Ned)
Ned - She's just so … perfect.
(Chanel's doing something gross like gnawing on her arm.)
Kate - So, you ignore me talking about my future just to stare at Mrs. Drop Dead Gorgeous over here?
Ned - Yep, pretty much! Ugh, why won’t see look at me? Hey, Kate, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much of a jock do you think I am?
Kate - I’m gonna go with 0. (Makes buzzer noise. Imitates announcer voice.) Congratulations! You are correct!... Come on Ned! Get real. You’re about as jock as the ginger kid in The Magic School Bus.
Ned - Hey!... Yeah, I know. I just wish there was some way I get closer to her! Like, way up close. Really close. So close I can smell her rotting breath and stale hair. So close I can-
Kate - Whoa, ok. Way too much detail there, buddy. Okay Ned, if you like her so much, why don't you go and join the cheer squad or something stupid like that?
Ned - Shh! No, wait! I have a great idea! I’ll join the cheer squad!
Kate - I was totally kidding, but alright...
Ned - No, I'm going to do it, I'm going to join the squad and achieve success just like Darwin achieved success with his many theories on evolution! Or how Sir Alexander Fleming succeeded in creating the first antibiotic, or how Arche-
Kate - Ned, I get it.
(Jocks and Cheerleaders are all sitting at the same table being stupid, guys are making zombie noises and chugging bottles of blood. Girls are gossiping and making fun of others. Chanel gets up and stands on the table.)
Chanel - Hahaha okay guys, enough talking about lame stuff like humans and fried fingers (Paula gives death glare.), hahaha... No seriously, stop. Chanel says you’re not talking, you’re not talking. But anyways, the squad is holding tryouts today after school, after an unfortunate accident happened to our last cheerleader.
Brock - …we ate her...
Biff - (Quietly.) She was delicious.
Burt - (Also quietly.) Quite, quite so.
Chanel - Yeah, ok... and you all need to try out because I said so. So come to tryouts! Hahaha yeah. So thanks.
Ned - This is the golden opportunity! (Looks up.) Thank you, oh high esteemed death god!
Kate - Umm, ok. So, Ned you're really gonna do this? I mean, I thought we were gonna hang out after school? You know... Pizza? Fun? With your friend?
Ned - If It means I get to be closer to that cosmic piece of rotting flesh, I’m going to try out. Sorry, but this means a lot to me, surely you can't be as selfish as to deprive me of perhaps my only chance of love?
Kate - Jeez, Nate. I'm sure other people like you... people you're just unaware of..
Ned - Hah! Please Kate! The probability of that is as low as the chance of a giant plague wiping out an entire race of sentient beings.
(Kate is feeling a little annoyed and upset.)
Kate - You do realize how stupid you sounded just then, right?
Ned - ...oh, right. Sorry Kate. I didn't mean-
Kate - It's fine, Ned. You're good. Besides, you're my only friend, and without you I'd be... how do you say it? "Live meat."
Ned - Yeah, you would be, wouldn't you. I just want to be with Channel. Is that such a strange thing to do?
Kate - Sigh, well fine, see you later then. Go get her, or something enthusiastic like that...
Ned - Well okay...
(SCENE 2 - GYM)
(Ned, and a few other people enter to tryout. Stacy is sitting down, applying lipstick, Amanda is following Chanel around like a puppy, and watching her every move, Paula is eating out of a huge bowl with a spoon.)
Chanel - Alright everyone! Get in a line! (Surveys crowd.) Wow guys, way to really dig deep this year and invite your friends... this is pathetic. Two people? But I guess we'll have to continue, mostly because I would like to watch you two fail since you have absolutely no chance. But good luck! This is going to be fun! You there! Show me your best move! (Contestant does unimpressive cartwheel.)
Chanel - Pah! Next! Lame! The other one!... Ned? Who is Ned?...
(Ned is nervous and blurts things out.)
Ned - Me! I am Ned, I'm really smart and I like you!... I mean I like your, uh, squad over here. Lookin’ good ladies! Heh, heh! (Does hand gesture.)
Chanel - Kay... well show us what you got, then...
Amanda - Wow, like, who does he think he is and stuff... Right Chanel? Right? CHANEL I WANT YOU!
Stacy - I'm so tired of these wannabes thinking they can make the team.
Paula - (To crowd.) Guys, you know I have issues with, uh, physical activities, so whoever brings me food, I'll put in a good word for you. (Contestant runs off to find food.)
Ned - Haha alright! Here I go! Whooo yeah go team!
(Ned dances around awkwardly similar to Napoleon Dynamite dance. Cheerleaders faces are unreadable. Contestant comes back with food for Paula.)
Chanel - Give us a minute to gather our thoughts please!
(Cheerleaders whisper for a long time, and contestants look nervous and freaked out.)
Chanel - Yeah uh, we’re gonna need another minute. (Minute goes by.)
Contestant - I CAN’T TAKE THE SUSPENSE! (Runs out with the food.)
Paula - Hey!
Stacy - On behalf of Chanel, I would like to say... that you all sucked. We were right. You can all go home now.
Amanda - I kinda liked the guy though. He had some originality. Oh no! Chanel, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to talk without your permission! Aaaaah!
Paula - Yeah, uh, I vote for the dude, guys eat a lot, so he can give me extra snacks and stuff.
Chanel - Okay, we'll keep fruitcake over here, oh, and, I guess we can keep Brittney. COME BACK BRITTNEY!
Ned - Fruitcake? I already have a rad nickname??! AWWW YEAHHH! (Aww Yeah face.)
(Brittney re-enters, looking relieved.)
Brittney - Whoa, dudes, I thought I was done for! I’m so happy to be on this jig, yeah!
Chanel - Does anyone have ideas for a starting a cheer? (Stacy raises hand) No? ...well that’s okay because I already planned everything. We are doing... wait for it... Stayin’ Alive! ...get it?... Huh? GET IT!? (Murmurs of “yes”.) I’m so funny!
Paula - (Raises hand.) I have problems with... rigorous activities and whatnot... so...
Stacy - Chanel! You are so smart... like you are... you're just so FREAKING HOT! ...like, I worship you.
Chanel - I know! (Smiles.)
Ned - How about for the dance we use the Quantum physics of the human expulsion of mass and energy to project ourselves into a higher density of gravity propulsion?
Stacy - Wait....what?
Ned - We jump... in the air...
All - Oooooh.
Chanel - What do you all think?
Paula - You all look like twinkies to me... so I’m fine with it....
Chanel - Well Ned, I never understand most of what you say but lets do what you said... Ok! Five, six, seven, eight!
(Stayin Alive starts to play quietly. Everyone is dancing simple moves but ned is messing everything up, Ned ends on the floor.)
Chanel - (After dancing for only ten seconds.) Man, that was intense... like camping. Get it? (Angry stare. “Yes” murmurs.) Haha!... so who wants some pizza?
Ned - Yes! With all of my cardiovascular chambers! (Stares.) My heart. (“Ooooh”s.)
(Kate walks across field on her way home.)
Kate - Hey, Ned! How'd it go?
Chanel - What is that thing doing here? Hahaha she's looks so alive.
Stacy - Ew, gross. What a loser.
Amanda - Ooh she is so alive! Haha, Chanel, you're my favorite! (Hearty hands.)
Paula - You're the girl who ate my extra portion of food that is reserved only for me in the cafeteria!
Kate - Yeah, nice to see you guys too. Ned, do you wanna walk home with me?
Chanel - Actuaaaally, he's eating pizza with us. Ned, why do you talk to freaks of nature like her?
Ned - Sorry guys, I know she's really ugly compared to you Chanel, No! Wait that came out wrong, she's totally not cool, she's unique! Which is another way of saying she's a little bit of a nutcase. Ugh! Sorry, She's just, uh I, I'll be quiet now.
(Kate is shocked and hurt.)
Chanel - Well, I'm glad everything is settled. Come on Nedkins!
Ned - Sweet! Another name! (Aww Yeah face.)
Kate - Ned, what about me?
Ned - I’m really sorry Kate, but could you take one for the team? Just this one time?
Kate - No, I will not! You’re dead to me!
(Ned starts to say something.)
Kate - You know what I mean!
(Ned and Chanel walk away while Kate just stands there. Ned stops at end of stage and looks at Kate.)
Kate - Fine! I’ll just find someone like you!
(Cue similarly named Adele song.)
(Lights go to Chanel and Ned.)
Ned - Hey umm... Chanel... you want to connect our cardiac muscles at the finely established dance where movement of the body is endorsed and liquids are provided?
Ned - ...do you wanna go to homecoming?
Chanel - Oh! (Surprised.) As, uh, friends?
Ned - No... like a date.
Chanel - Oh... I thought you were... you know... ”feminine”.
Ned - Huh?
Chanel - You know... rainbows... uh, playing for the other team?
Ned - I actually don’t play sports... Oh! Wait, no no no I am not attracted to the male zombimbifcus sapien... if that’s what you’re asking.
Chanel - Oh! I thought you were! Eh, weird! I’m already going with Joey... he’s so... sophisticated.
(Joey comes from the opposite side stage entrance.)
Joey - (Blerts nonsense. Leaves.)
Chanel - He has such a way with words. (Sighs.)
Ned - Oh, uh. That’s ok then. See you later.
(Ned walks away clearly depressed. Adele plays yet again.)
(Blackout. Confetti. Lots and lots of balloons and streamers.)
(SCENE 3 - GYM/FOOTBALL FIELD)
Chanel - We will!
Squad - We will!
Chanel & Squad - ROT YOU!
Chanel - Everybody now!
All - We will, we will, ROT YOU!
Principal Gangrene - Thank you, Chanel!... Oh, and the Squad. Good luck Rotweilers! We have a very big game tonight! Knock em’ dead! Haha... woo!... (Awkward fist pump.) And now for the R.I.P. High School cheer squad. Break a leg girls, or loose one, whatever comes first!
(Squad does a fancy bow.)
Principal - Thank you squad! Now students, please take your seats. We have a few (Brains!) a few (Brains!) a few (Brains!) a few (Brains!)... (Continues until Coach slaps Principal hard on the back of the head.)
Principal - Thank you, Rigormortus. Now as I was saying, we (Brains!) have some awards to give out. First up is Paula, for breaking the world record for eating the most brains in 5 minutes! Paula, please come claim your prize: a lifetime supply of fried fingers!
(Paula comes up on stage crying; while talking she munches on the fried fingers)
Paula - I want to thank my Mummy and my Deady for teaching me that food can always solve your problems! I mean, when I started high school-
Principal - (Grabs some fingers and throws them offstage.) Fetch, Paula! (Paula goes on all fours and chases the food.) Alright, next award goes to... (Surprised, reading paper.) Brock?... for winning the National Poetry Competition. Now Brock will come up and read his poem for us.
Biff - Go get ‘em Brock!
Burt - I say, good luck out there, chap.
Brock - (Comes up, clears throat.) “My Poem, by Brock Zombie.” Brains, brains. Brains are good. Humans are bad. Brains, brains.
(Students applaud. Some cry, others give him a standing ovation)
Burt - THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!
Principal - Thank you Brock for that inspirational work of art that we can all relate to. Now please join me in singing our national anthem.
(All stand with hands on heart; make an odd zombie groaning noise, lasts for approx. 5 seconds.)
Principal - Good luck tonight Rottweilers! Knock 'em dead! (Kate starts cracking up; everyone stares at her till she abruptly shuts up) Stop making fun of me! (Runs of stage crying.)
Coach - Umm, introducing the R.I.P High School cheer squad!
(The cheer squad takes the stage and starts their “Stayin’ Alive” cheer.)
(Towards the end of their cheer Stacey runs up to the coach and whispers in his/her ear.)
Coach - And know for a special treat, Ned will be performing a solo!
(Ned looks at Chanel and mouths questioning words, squad pushes Ned to the middle, he dances REALLY AWKWARDLY.)
Chanel - (Talks to the cheer squad.) Ned is not even gay! (Gasps.) He joined the squad just to get close to me.
(Ned continues dancing.)
Chanel - Reality check! I’m too popular for him!
(Brittney trips him and he falls to the ground. Crowd laughs. Ned runs off stage, embarrassed.)
Kate - (Gets up and tries to calm the crowd.) QUIET! What are we doing?! Ned may have done all of those stupid things, but he did them for love! (Background speech music begins playing.) How could you make fun of an incredible guy like that, who put himself out on a limb (Suppressed laugh.) to get his girl! Although, he has a weird way of expressing himself... I mean a really weird way of expressing himself, but he’s handsome, smart, has beautiful eyes, even though they fall out sometimes. I may be a human, but I can still love…
Paula - (Turns immediately and starts sniffing around.) Human?... food?... FOOD! (Runs toward Kate.)
(Everyone follows, but Coach is standing in between Paula and Kate.)
Paula - GET OUT OF THE WAY COACH!
Coach - (Tries to move, but can’t.) Sorry, but my Rigamortis is acting up, I CAN’T MOVE! (In efforts to get out of the way he falls over like a board.)
(Kate screams. Zombies attack!)
Ned - Hey, guys! Look outside! It’s Kate’s really fat parents! Better go catch them before they run away!
Kate - Hey! I don’t have any... (Ned’s hand goes to Kate’s mouth to silence her. Ned turns Kate’s face toward him. Moment of staring...)
Kate - (Muffled by hand.) Thank you.
Ned - Uh, it was nothing. Just, you know, everyday stuff, saving people and things...
(Kate smiles cutely. They lean towards each other. They lean in and are about to kiss...)
Burt - What a happy ending.